I’m eating 2 handfuls of spinach and calling it a day.
Ingredients: spinach, strawberries, milk
Appearance: 1970s appliance green
Consistency: creamier, more like a milkshake. (Makes sense.)
Sip 1: Okay…it’s pretty creamy. Still green, but…
Sip 2: OMG this is disgusting. Why, again?
Sip 3: …That one went down. Let’s do this bitch.
Gulps 1-3: I closed my eyes, and it tasted less green. But if I stop expecting it to be sweet, maybe it’s better? Like I’m drinking a hearty glass of milk? I mean, I don’t like milk, but it does go down better than green smoothie…
Texture of a milkshake, which makes me think of happier tastes. But still. Not great.
Next steps:
I went to the doctor and she told me that Brooke Gladner exists and wants me to drink a smoothie.
I went to the doctor again with pre-diabetes and she told me to drink Brooke Gladner’s goddam smoothies. I said why live if I have to drink kale? I don’t even like that kale exists.
But I’m 46 and a half and wayyy post-menopausal and all my pants are suddenly too small and I’m addicted to sugar and everyone’s telling me to never eat a carb again if I know what’s good for me.
So I thought I’d try this smoothie thing.
I looked up how to do it, and you smush the blender with cruciferous vegetables, put water over that, and add fruit.
And then the video showed the 64 ounces it made, and she talked about how she would sip on it throughout the day. And I nearly noped right out. But the doctor said Breakfast Only, so, I guess let’s try this bitch.
Well, as I said, kale can suck it. So I used spinach. I know it’s not cruciferous (gasp), but the internet said it’s still healthy. And this way, I figured, it’s like a spinach and strawberry salad, without the walnuts.
It was not like a spinach and strawberry salad. It was bland as hell, but I managed to drink it. It was slightly better than the colon prep the night before a colonoscopy. I tried to make just a tiny little bit, but it turned out to be 16 ounces. And I thought, you know what? I can choke through 16 ounces of beer sometimes, and I can do this. And I did.
So the goal is to make it better, until it’s something not just drinkable, but perhaps mildly enjoyable.
Tomorrow: The exciting continuation of the smoothie saga, In Which I Substitute Milk.
Gouda Radner
I tutor. One of the activities suggested was to switch roles and have me as the student and him as the tutor. After many impossible math problems*, we switched to literacy. He told me to write a 500 word essay on a famous actor that I liked. I have to say, it was hard to write 500 words. So I did kind of half-ass it. Oh well!
Here is my essay on Parkey Posey:
I love Parker Posey because she is in amazing indie movies and she is well loved. She has a long career but she is less famous than an A-list actor, and therefore, is probably less recognizable in public, so she can go places without being flocked by admirers. She also is in Christopher Guest movies like Best In Show and Waiting for Guffman, and she gets to improvise in them, and she works well with an ensemble. She’s been in bigger movies, and she is the Queen of the Bs and that seems like a fun time.
Although, I am not a fan of being on camera, simply because it is boring with all the sitting around and not doing much, and being filmed like three times from all different angles. Although, I bet Parker Posey does plays or voice over as well. Regardless, I am a big fan of hers and would love to meet her in real life and go to lunch or coffee (except I don’t like coffee, so I would have to have a different drink, like hot chocolate).
I got an A-!**
*Examples of the 5 problems he gave me:
-000.3 divided by 10,000
.1mm = 2 __ oz
and
Chuck has -$2 in his bank account. And 50 coupons and 2,000 stamps. Apples are $3. How much will he have after he buys 10 apples?****
**First I got a B+***, but I complained and he changed it.
***But I agree, a B+ is generous for that one.
****Answer: a few less stamps and coupons. I forget how many now. And he should also get some chicken and a nice French bread and more produce and a cake and invite some friends. But he’s gotta get out of the red–he’s gonna get hit with insane fees!
This is for anyone who wants to play with my dog (ADAM!).
Miri is a princess.* As such, she has certain rules by which she plays. And so do I, because she’s gorgeous, she’s talented, she’s intelligent, but she’s a mess AND I’M NOT A DOORMAT!**
Some rules are Miri’s and some are mine, marked appropriately with an A or M.
Equipment:
2 balls (unless you want to play No-Take-Only-Throw)
1 chuckit stick (optional. I’m not touching her nasty ass balls.)
Rules:
Object of the game: you win when Miri’s tongue hangs 1.5 inches out of her mouth while she’s holding the ball. (A)
Starting position is the corner by the trash cans. Throw horizontally, then vertically. This way, she runs herself out to an acceptable energy level. (M)
Don’t just throw it across the yard. It has to bounce so that she can leap up into the air and catch it with panache. Optional: Score panache on a scale of 1-10. (M)
Wait until she drops the ball to throw the next one. (A)
Miri gets a handicap. She’s 8 years old, and her eyesight isn’t a young pup’s. Give her a break.*** (A/M)
When she drops the ball anywhere in the patio space by the back door, you have advanced to Level 2. Good job! Now you just have to stand by the stairs and bounce the ball off the wall so it bounces to her. Emphasis here is on style. Tell her which catches are really balletic, and she’ll be encouraged to flair it up more. (M)
If Miri doesn’t drop the ball right away, that means that she wants you to throw the next ball in the other direction so she can run farther. (A)
If it goes out of the yard, only the human retrieves it. (A/M)
If she drops it across the yard from you, it means that (a) she needs to poop. You go get the ball, but she pooped! Yay! treats for all! or (b) she is tired or stressed and needs a break or (c) she’s throwing around her power. In cases of (c), it is ok to complain/trash talk her. Examples: “Are you serious? You were just there!” “Go get that ball yourself! You’re the one who dropped it there!” “Miri. You are killing me.” etc.
If you throw it into the Poop Zone: you get that shit yourself. She has to put that in her mouth, for gods’ sake.**** (M)
Mini game-in-the-game: whoever finds the ball in the grass or dirt first gets it. It’s an even match, because our eyes are failing us at the same rate. (A/M)
Now, get out there and HAVE FUN!
*She’s also a dog, but she’s mostly a princess.
**…as much as I was in my younger years.
***The handicap is pi. Or pie. Whatever.
****Pick it up and throw it again. Then it’s clean.
Meetings that could be emails.
Full-length films based on 3-minute videos.
Stories that could have been newspaper captions.
“Police stop traffic to let ducks cross street.”
Boom. Done.
See, Robert McCloskey? See how easy that was? There’s no need to create all the rest of this mishegas: “The ducks found a place to build a nest. But it was dangerous! So they left. Then they found another place to build their nest. That one was better. People threw them bread and they very much appreciated it!” Gee, people threw bread to ducks in a pond? CALL THE GLOBE! CALL THE TIMES! CALL LE MONDE! THE PEOPLE MUST KNOW!!!
Ok, so there were a lot of ducklings. Ten, I think. That was kind of amazing, I’ll admit. But I don’t give two hoots in hell what their names are. Don’t waste my time. You’re not planning on furthering their characters, so I don’t need to know. They don’t have an arc. In fact, that’s my beef with this whole story. Nobody changes. McCloskey is an award winning author who should know better. This story isn’t a journey, it’s about Things That Happen.
My turn! I’m going to write a story about things that happen too, and wait for my Newberry Honor Medal.
Get Out of the Way for Me and My Dog
by Amy Gorelow
I got up this morning and decided Augie the Doggie needed exercise. I had to put the gate up, because otherwise Miri would want to go, and I can’t walk two dogs at one time–they would tear me apart! I realized I wasn’t wearing my watch, and thought, Oh, too bad. Now I’ll never know how many calories I burned or have a map of our travels.
Augie needed a longer walk because the second one would be very short, if it happened at all. So we decided to go to Indian Boundary Park. We saw a very small dog. It was barking. Its owner picked it up, presumably because she saw Augie on one corner and a big German Shepherd on the other corner! She must have thought our bigger dogs were very mean, and going to eat her dog. “Arf! Arf!” said the little dog, and the bigger dogs ignored it. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, Augie thought as he walked through Rogers Park. He pulled on the leash. This way! insisted Augie. I said, “Yes, we’re going the long way!” And we did.
I’m stopping, you know why? Because I’m bored. And I can only imagine other readers feel the same way. I’d like to know what separates my story from Make Way For Ducklings besides an ending and a workshop. Answers?
Run.
Specifically, the graphic novel.
“Why do people hate Jewish people?”
“Not all people, Sara. You must never think it’s ALL people. Only some people.”
“Bad people?”
“I try not to think in terms of good and bad. I prefer to think in terms of light and dark. I believe that all people have a light that shines inside of them. This light allows us to see into other people’s hearts, to see the beauty there. The love. The sadness. The humanity.”
Well, that was an insight. I always thought about the light within someone shining out for others to see. I had this image of someone just walking around benevolently, blessing people. It keeps you looking outside yourself for those people. But what Palacio is talking about here is actively using your light to change hearts.
And not to worry–I’ll keep you posted on any future news of my impending enlightenment.
