I’m eating 2 handfuls of spinach and calling it a day.

Ingredients: spinach, strawberries, milk

Appearance: 1970s appliance green

Consistency: creamier, more like a milkshake. (Makes sense.)

Sip 1: Okay…it’s pretty creamy. Still green, but…

Sip 2: OMG this is disgusting. Why, again?

Sip 3: …That one went down. Let’s do this bitch.

Gulps 1-3: I closed my eyes, and it tasted less green. But if I stop expecting it to be sweet, maybe it’s better? Like I’m drinking a hearty glass of milk? I mean, I don’t like milk, but it does go down better than green smoothie…

Texture of a milkshake, which makes me think of happier tastes. But still. Not great.

Next steps:

1. Ask the internet why I can’t just eat a few handfuls of spinach and be done with it.
2. If this happens tomorrow, add half an avocado?

I went to the doctor and she told me that Brooke Gladner exists and wants me to drink a smoothie.

I went to the doctor again with pre-diabetes and she told me to drink Brooke Gladner’s goddam smoothies. I said why live if I have to drink kale? I don’t even like that kale exists.

But I’m 46 and a half and wayyy post-menopausal and all my pants are suddenly too small and I’m addicted to sugar and everyone’s telling me to never eat a carb again if I know what’s good for me.

So I thought I’d try this smoothie thing.

I looked up how to do it, and you smush the blender with cruciferous vegetables, put water over that, and add fruit.

And then the video showed the 64 ounces it made, and she talked about how she would sip on it throughout the day. And I nearly noped right out. But the doctor said Breakfast Only, so, I guess let’s try this bitch.

Well, as I said, kale can suck it. So I used spinach. I know it’s not cruciferous (gasp), but the internet said it’s still healthy. And this way, I figured, it’s like a spinach and strawberry salad, without the walnuts.

It was not like a spinach and strawberry salad. It was bland as hell, but I managed to drink it. It was slightly better than the colon prep the night before a colonoscopy. I tried to make just a tiny little bit, but it turned out to be 16 ounces. And I thought, you know what? I can choke through 16 ounces of beer sometimes, and I can do this. And I did.

So the goal is to make it better, until it’s something not just drinkable, but perhaps mildly enjoyable.

Tomorrow: The exciting continuation of the smoothie saga, In Which I Substitute Milk.

Gouda Radner