This is for anyone who wants to play with my dog (ADAM!).

Miri is a princess.* As such, she has certain rules by which she plays. And so do I, because she’s gorgeous, she’s talented, she’s intelligent, but she’s a mess AND I’M NOT A DOORMAT!**

Some rules are Miri’s and some are mine, marked appropriately with an A or M.

Equipment: 

2 balls (unless you want to play No-Take-Only-Throw)

1 chuckit stick (optional. I’m not touching her nasty ass balls.)

Rules:

Object of the game: you win when Miri’s tongue hangs 1.5 inches out of her mouth while she’s holding the ball. (A)

Starting position is the corner by the trash cans. Throw horizontally, then vertically. This way, she runs herself out to an acceptable energy level. (M)

Don’t just throw it across the yard. It has to bounce so that she can leap up into the air and catch it with panache. Optional: Score panache on a scale of 1-10. (M)

Wait until she drops the ball to throw the next one. (A)

Miri gets a handicap. She’s 8 years old, and her eyesight isn’t a young pup’s. Give her a break.*** (A/M)

When she drops the ball anywhere in the patio space by the back door, you have advanced to Level 2. Good job! Now you just have to stand by the stairs and bounce the ball off the wall so it bounces to her. Emphasis here is on style. Tell her which catches are really balletic, and she’ll be encouraged to flair it up more. (M)

If Miri doesn’t drop the ball right away, that means that she wants you to throw the next ball in the other direction so she can run farther. (A)

If it goes out of the yard, only the human retrieves it. (A/M)

If she drops it across the yard from you, it means that (a) she needs to poop. You go get the ball, but she pooped! Yay! treats for all! or (b) she is tired or stressed and needs a break or (c) she’s throwing around her power. In cases of (c), it is ok to complain/trash talk her. Examples: “Are you serious? You were just there!” “Go get that ball yourself! You’re the one who dropped it there!” “Miri. You are killing me.” etc.

If you throw it into the Poop Zone: you get that shit yourself. She has to put that in her mouth, for gods’ sake.**** (M)

Mini game-in-the-game: whoever finds the ball in the grass or dirt first gets it. It’s an even match, because our eyes are failing us at the same rate. (A/M)

Now, get out there and HAVE FUN!

 

 

*She’s also a dog, but she’s mostly a princess.

**…as much as I was in my younger years.

***The handicap is pi. Or pie. Whatever.

****Pick it up and throw it again. Then it’s clean.